Thursday, November 1, 2007

A reason to celebrate adoption? I don't think so, here's why....

Did you ever hear someone say, "Isn't it wonderful, so-in-so just adopted a baby," or did you ever get one of the cards in the mail announcing a new edition to someone's family showing a newly adopted infant? I've had both happen to me and truthfully, it makes me cringe.

I want to know, when someone says it's wonderful that so-in-so has adopted a baby, wonderful for whom? Wonderful for the adopters maybe but that's about all who are benefitting from the adoption of a new born infant. Adoption is NEVER a reason for celebration. If you don't agree, lets break it down.

(Side note: this examination of the separation of mother and child does not include cases where the child is orphaned however, orphaned infants in the United States are rare. In most cases, if the mother is deceased, the child still has the mothers extended family as next of kin, but, the effect is the same; however, an orphaned child needs a home, opposed to a child whose mother is still alive and/or to a child who has an extended biological family. Also, this particular blog is examining the effects of adoption on the child; the effects it has on the mother will be discussed in future blog entries.)

When a new born infant is adopted, it means that it has been separated from its mother. Any time an infant loses its mother it's a sad state of affairs. The gestation period for a human is nine months; from the moment of conception to the time of birth, and normally after birth, the mother and child are forming a bond. By the time a child is born it knows the sound of its mother's voice, her smell, even the exact pattern of her heart beat. Tests prove that an infant as young as a day old can recognize its mother when she enters a room. (This is proven by the baby's heart rate; if it cries and its mother comes the heart rate returns to normal, if the mother does not come the baby's heart rate increases as the baby becomes more upset because its mother is not answering his/her call.)

So when a child leaves the safe cocoon of its mother's womb it needs the comfort of someone familiar, i.e., its mother. The only person this child really knows is its mother. Therefore, the child suffers an emotional wound when its mother never comes to dry its tears. It suffers because it has already bonded with its mother and not even the most loving, well meaning, attentive adoptive mothers can give this child what it needs emotionally. In time the child will adjust but a baby who suffers from the initial loss of its mother will carry that emotional scar for the rest of its life.

Do you still think it's a happy day when a couple adopts a new born infant? How can a child suffering from the loss of its mother be something to celebrate? If one is celebrating, they are celebrating for the adoptive parents, which I find selfish and appalling. The child's needs should always come first!

Further research shows that most adoptee's suffer from a long list of adjustment problems along with lack of trust, not feeling like they belong, they have trouble in relationships....the list goes on and on. Yes, you can argue that many people who are not adopted suffer from the same self-esteem issues, however, adoptee's are greatly over represented in psychotherapy. According to 1985 statistics used by Parenting Resources of Santa Ana, California, although adoptee's at that time comprised 2-3% of the population of this country, they represented 30-40% of the individuals found in residential treatment centers, juvenile hall and special schools. They show a higher incidence of juvenile delinquency, sexual promiscuity, running away from home, difficulty in school both academically and socially than their non-adopted peers. Again I pose the question...is this something to celebrate?

What's that you say...what about children born to alcoholic mothers or mothers who are habitual drugs users, or those who are abusing these babies? Isn't it better if they are removed from the care of that mother and placed in a loving home? Yes, in the long run it is better to remove an infant, or any child, from an abusive mother but still...is that a reason to celebrate? Are you celebrating the fact that this poor child has been born to a woman who is unfit to care for it? The bottom line is it doesn't matter to the child if the mother is unfit, the child STILL SUFFERS the loss of its mother. An infant can't use logic and reason to pacify itself. All it knows is "my mother is gone." Therefore even in cases where it's best to separate mother and child there's no reason to celebrate because an infant has lost its mother and it will suffer the consequences.

You ask what about these poor abandoned children in China? I say these children are abandoned only because the Chinese government has made it illegal for any family living in a city, or within a certain boundary of a city, to have more than one child. So when someone adopts a child from China, we are enabling the government to keep such an inhuman law in force. In addition, Chinese society has the ingrained notion that boys are more valuable then girls. So if a young couple wants to have a child, many times they will abandon their baby girl in hopes of having a boy the next time. I have a very strong feeling that this is something the male, and/or father, pushes the woman to do. I know for a fact that giving a child away is the hardest thing for a woman to do and if not for the pressure of her husband or family she would, in most cases, not give up her daughter. If we did not adopt these children the government would have to change its law and that's what almost happened until someone within their government got the bright idea to open its doors to Americans' who want to adopt. However, these children still suffer from the loss of their mother. And do you think just because the mothers are forced by law, and/or pressured by husbands or family, to give their female children away that she forgets them? No way. And although the vast majority of children being adopted from China are females, a couple must, by law, give up their second child even if it's a male.
So my point, in cases of Chinese adoptions, is that we are enabling their government to keep doing this to their citizens. The child still suffers and the mother (and I suppose the fathers as well) suffers the life long effects of losing a child. I don't know how anyone can justify this barbaric practice. Most expert opinions predicted the Chinese government would have been forced repealed the law of only one child per family if not for the huge numbers of Americans' that help the out Chinese government every year by eliminating the growing number of children that they once were responsible for. Because they have admitted to not knowing how they would have cared for these children before we started to help them out. So, again, in my opinion, no reason for celebration.

However there are children in war torn countries who are truly orphaned, these children need loving homes, but again, the fact they lost their mothers, their entire families is not a reason to celebrate. I find it very sad whenever I look into the eyes of a child, so young, that has lost so much. Furthermore, what about the thousand's of children in this country who are being kicked around in foster care? Why not adopt these children? Too often I hear couple's who want to adopt say they want to give a home to an unwanted child....the children in foster care, for the most part, are truly unwanted children. Nine times out of ten a new born infant is wanted. The mother may feel she does not have the means and/or the support to raise her child, therefore, she chooses adoption, which doesn't mean the child is unwanted, for she would certainly keep her child if she thought she could.

And how is it really good for a child to be the second choice in a couples life? How many couples, who can have their own children decide to adopt? Yes, I'm sure there are some but out of all the couples looking to adopt a baby how many of them chose adoption as their first choice? How many have forsaken having one of their own to adopt? In most cases a couple decides to adopt a baby when they have exhausted themselves trying to have one of their own.

So if any of the adoption celebrators out there can give me a reason, other than fulfilling the needs of an infertile couple, beside the joy felt by the couple adopting, to celebrate adoption, I'd
like to hear it. I'd like to hear how a baby benefits from losing its mother. I'd like to know how one could feel it's a happy occasion when a baby loses its biological roots...tell me, what are you all celebrating? Shouldn't we be putting the needs of the baby first?
I don't get it...I really don't understand what most people are thinking.......
Until next time......












36 comments:

Anonymous said...

I am not disagreeing with you in regards to the loss of a child with his or her birth mother is not a reason to celebrate but in regards to your comments regarding China's one child policy there are a lot of discrepanicies in your post. I realize this is your own personal blog but I think it is always best to have the correct information in regards to a situation before posting it where most will believe it to be true. For example a couple is not legally forced to abandon a second born child, even if it is a boy. They do have to pay a fine but they do not have to abandon. Also, there are many cirucmstances in China that do allow for families to have more than one child with no penalties at all. Also, while you and I may find it impossible to believe that a mother could "give up" her child without coerision or being forced that is not necessarily the case in China. The value of a girl in China is centuries old and has only recently (at least in comparision to the vast history of China) begun to change. There are still people in China, women included, that do not see the value in the birth of a daughter. I know it is hard to believe but I have been to China and had those conversations. I still have a hard time believing it because my heart tells me it can't be true but China is China and not America.

Anonymous said...

A reason to celebrate adoption? YES, OF COURSE! Here's why. Baby receives love and attention/nurturing from their adoptive parents which sounds good to me. Also, why do you keep referring to the baby as "it"? Yes the baby will have feelings of abandonment and other issues that are not their fault, they were a baby and had no say in the matter. Also, if you are going to write about the China issue, you ought to do some due diligence and perhaps do some research on the matter. I found my brother who was given up for adoption as a newborn baby, this was kept hidden until I was an adult. I found brother and am now close with his adoptive family. I felt heartwarmed seeing the pictures of his Mom's baby showers celebrating his arrival into their family! What were they supposed to do, have an Adoption Sucks party? I DON'T THINK SO.

Anonymous said...

I disagree with the second comment. Yes, adoption is a good thing but they way our culture denies an adopted childs mother in this country is deplorable. Read some adoption books, talk to some adult adoptees about how our culture shames adopted children by raising them to believe that they should be grateful! And, as an adoptee, I am grateful for my adoptive parents. However grateful or not, our culture does not allow adoptees to grieve the loss of the blood family. Unless you are adopted yourself, you have no idea about the struggle to heal from abandonment and loss. Adoption is unnatural, but a mixed emotional reality for some. I am grateful I was adopted by good parents and not raised in a foster home, but that does not require me to be grateful about the traumatic separation at birth that I suffered from my birthmom.

Anonymous said...

I can feel your pain and I am sorry! I agree it is traumatic for any child to loose it's mother! I do however, believe that it's a celebration when a child finds their new parents that will love them unconditionally and step in when their BM couldn't! I have always wanted to adopt, since I was a child! I didn't care if I couldn't have my own! I did have 3bio children however, for my 4th child I decided to adopt a child where the mother couldn't afford to care for her! Her "little" sister died of starvation just this year. It's sad but reality. I agree it's not a celebration of the separation but I am TOTALLY Unconditionally in love with my 4th child just as my first three! She will know that she was CHOSEN and I am already starting to contact her BM for the loss that I KNOW she will feel. I've heard she wants contact with me because she did love her daughter! I think it is EXTREMELY important that ALL children have a home and are LOVED, regardless of how they get there! If you think adoption shouldn't be celebrated, then what do you think should be done with all of the children in foster care?

As far as China, (after MUCH research) I found that boys are 'preferred' because there is no retirement system over there and it is expected that the boys will care for the parents in their older years! The Chinese celebrate when Americans pick up their child and usually the BM, when abandoning them is usually waiting in eyes view so that they're SURE someone takes the baby to care for! They love their children over there. Aside from China, there are 9 boys to every 1 girl in foster care or up for adoption! Again, ask any agency and they will tell you that GIRLS are the preference for adoption! I don't know why, just the way it is. So, if you're anti adoption, then what do you think what is your solution for these children?

I hope you find healing in your journey! I know you have a lot of pain! If your parents are anything like me, know that they love you dearly and wouldn't trade you for ANYONE else in the world!!! :) That is what is celebrated!

Elizabeth said...

I think people celebrate adoption because they don't know how else to acknowledge it. Most people either don't think about or try to ignore the harsh, painful circumstances that lead up to bringing home someone else's child. Adoptive parents are almost always well-meaning people who want their adopted child to feel loved and wanted, because they know at least a little of how that child will feel when they find out their first parents gave them away. They celebrate adoption because they want to be able to say to their child someday, "Look, see? You have always been loved, you have always been wanted." We are a culture of people who avoid discussion of unpleasantries, and in this instance, that might be a good thing. Would you prefer an adoption announcement that detailed the trauma and tears of the first mother? Perhaps the death of the child's biological family? All the dirty secrets and frightening information leading up to the child going to a new family? No, it isn't healthy to "shelter" an adopted child forever. No one is saved from the pain of their past by simply being kept away from the truth. But what good does it do to mourn the adoption of a child when they are so young? Why not celebrate their new family while they are infant and young children, let them enjoy the blissful oblivion of a child for as long as possible? They'll soon enough be thrown into the swirling, dark, confusion of life as an adult adoptee.

H-Money said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
kat said...

Every child deserve a chance to feel loved and considered. Many many people today are having sex out of marriage and conceiving. It is a shame that teenagers are having sex before marriage and children are suffering. Do I fully understand the impact being torn away from a mother can have on a life? YES! My mother abandoned me when I was 2. Am I so thankful to the woman that raised me?YES! Babies need their mothers, but children need emotional, physical and spiritual support. So many mothers out there are not able or not willing to provide a nurturing environment for their children. It is a reason to celebrate! Changing the life of one child at a time is an amazing thing. This generation is suffering. A child needs their mother but not one who neglects the child. I fully support adoption. We need more willing people to step up and rescue a child. Why is pet adoption so accepted? Seems like this nation would rather support saving the life of a cat or dog than a precious child.
To all of the adoption mothers/fathers out there, hats off to you for opening your home to a child who is going to be changed because of your selflessness.

kat said...

Every child deserve a chance to feel loved and considered. Many many people today are having sex out of marriage and conceiving. It is a shame that teenagers are having sex before marriage and children are suffering. Do I fully understand the impact being torn away from a mother can have on a life? YES! My mother abandoned me when I was 2. Am I so thankful to the woman that raised me?YES! Babies need their mothers, but children need emotional, physical and spiritual support. So many mothers out there are not able or not willing to provide a nurturing environment for their children. It is a reason to celebrate! Changing the life of one child at a time is an amazing thing. This generation is suffering. A child needs their mother but not one who neglects the child. I fully support adoption. We need more willing people to step up and rescue a child. Why is pet adoption so accepted? Seems like this nation would rather support saving the life of a cat or dog than a precious child.
To all of the adoption mothers/fathers out there, hats off to you for opening your home to a child who is going to be changed because of your selflessness.

Anonymous said...

Celebration?....YES! My sons bmom felt she could not parent a child with down syndrome, so she chose adoption for her son. A chance for the child to have a family that could Love and nurture him and a chance for a couple who could not concieve a child to become Parents. There is and will always be celebration when a child is born and enters a family, whether that child was birth or adopted into a family.

When my son was 3weeks old, my mom was holding my son, while I went to eat lunch. WHen I walked into the room I asked my mom a question, as I spoke, my 3 week old son turned his head towards me and cried. When I picked him up he stopped crying. He recognized his mommies voice...and this from a child with down syndrome, children with down syndrome have low muscle tone, especially in the neck area when they are infants. Although, my son did not grow in my wound, he recognized my voice.

I'm sorry your adoption experience is not a postive one and I know this is your personal blog, but it is public and readers whom are not familiar with the world of adoption should hear this Adoption is not a one size fits all experience. There are many Facets in the World of adoption.We Celebrate life and the family that was created through the process of adoption :)
Much Love,
Love to Love

Jo said...

Shame on you for being so damn selfish.

Quit being a victim.

Anonymous said...

Selfish?!?! Who is selfish, Jo? Would that be adoptive parents who LIE to a birthmother and tell her that they will honor her request of pictures and letters througout her childs life; only to be cut off as soon as the ink dries? What do you think that does to a mother, Jo, to know that the people she intrusted her child to LIED to her so she would not change her mind and keep HER child. Shame on YOU for brining your biased opinion to a birthmothers blog and call her selfish. You have alot of nerve.

Anonymous said...

Don't you just love some of the the "followers of Christ" and the way they treat mothers who have lost children to adoption.

Mei-Ling said...

I know I am very late to the discussion - I just came across this post and wish I could have contributed to it when it was still running.

But I just wanted you to know: I am sorry for all the dismissive comments you have received and the ones you will be receiving in the future.

Don't give up.

Sean and Sierra said...

I realize that this post is very old...but as an adoptee AND a birth mother, I had to make a statement that this post is completely untrue. To the woman that wrote this post. I understand your pain. Placing a child for adoption is hardest thing any woman can do. I get the feeling you were more forced into it...which I DO NOT agree with. I think it should be the mothers choice. I made the choice myself and my birth son has wonderful adoptive parents who DO keep their promises. YES there are adoptive parents that don't, and shame on them. But about the adoptees having problems....i don't have any problems. My 3 brothers, who were also adopted don't have any problems. So, while you can speak on being a birth mom who was maybe forced into adoption, you CAN NOT speak on whats it's like being an adoptee, because you are not one. I honestly suggest that you get counseling. I feel as though you have a lot of hurt and anger, and I am truly sorry for that. But counseling really does help. I myself had a few months of counseling right after placement.
If anyone would like to see a more POSITIVE outlook on adoption, please visit my blog. seanandsierra.blogspot.com. Or visit a great adoptive couples blog, therhouse.blogspot.com

Anonymous said...

Totally agree with the writer of this blog and would suggest to all of those out there who haven't ever been forced to give away their child to please shut the f*** up! Rambling on about the happiness of adoptive parents - I'm sorry - the issue is the happiness of a NATURAL MOTHER AND HER CHILD! No country should allow this abominable act and those who involve themselves in the adoption of these innocent children torn from their natural mothers are part of the problem - enough of your religious, sanctimonious, false sentiments - this is a crime against humanity and deserves to be recognised as such. My most sincere sympathy to all those mothers who have been forced by disgusting, hypocritical, bigoted, fundamentalist states and countries to be separated from their own flesh and blood.

Anonymous said...

Sorry for your tragedy. Get over it. You have had a good life and you should thank God and count your blessings. There are many worse horrors in life that have befallen many other people. Your perspective about forced separation is understandable, but the many years with your loving partner, your loving puppies, your loving friends, your loving home and businesses were never had by billions of people that suffered much worse.

Denise Leitch said...

To the Anonymous who posted on Feb. 22, 2010...the one who said I should get over it, I had a good life...who are you? How dare you tell me to get over it! And how the hell do you presume to know what my life has been like? Post your name or don't you have the balls?

Anonymous said...

Of course there is a reason to celebrate, for the child. If adoptive parents choose not to let their childern grieve their lose then that is their fault. As you kept stating the "birth parent" well the birth parent can't or wouldn't take care of the child.

It is better that the child be surrounded by love wouldn't you think?

I have two friends who are adopted one at 10 and anotehr since birth, neither one of them want anything to do with their birth parent and have know plans to search for them. My friend who was adopted at 10, remembers what it was like what her birth family, and she was HAPPY to be adopted.

So it depends on each situation. Don't generalze.

Randy said...

I am a male adoptee. It is well known the adopted child starts with a disadvantage that can never be repaired, they will never do as well as they could of. They need to be treated with kid gloves and when they get abusive parents the damage is far greater than it would be for non-adapted children receiving the same abuse.

I know from experience. I was not adopted for love. I have never been shown any affection or been told I was loved by them (or anyone for that matter). Just as well because by the age of 3 it was evident I would never want or accept such from them anyways.

The old man liked the young boys. It was far safer and more convenient to have them at hand. The old lady had mental issues.

When I was 7 I confronted them about how it was wrong to beat children. This was brought on because they beat my 3 year old sister for failing to remember the exact wording of some prayers they taught her to say before bedtime (they were not religious and did not attend church). This was nothing new. The old man used to hit her at the age of 1 for sucking her thumb.

They were quite smug about being in the right to beat her (us) and in the fact I would be unable to do anything about it. Mommie Dearest decided my punishment for being so bold was no painkiller at the dentist for my entire childhood of many cavities and a root canal (not remotely a $ issue). I accepted this without even a whimper because the smallest complaint would have added an additional punishment at least 10 times worse.

Never give a child up for adoption if you do not have to.

Anonymous said...

So sorry this happened to you.

Anonymous said...

I am currently going through an adoption. I can not have children and the birth parents are very young and have no means to take care of a child, I have been involved in the WHOLE process as taking them to every doctors appointment, their "next of kin" are all drunks and drug addicts. The person who posted this blog is completely and utterly ignorant in the literal means. Thank you and have a nice day

Jan said...

Not ALL infertile couples wish to adopt a child. That is why there is something called "IVF". This means a couple can often have their own baby.

Many perfectly fertile people, who already have their own children, go out and adopt all the time.

Please quit spreading lies about people who cannot conceive.

Unknown said...

Adoption sucks at both ends. I met my birth mother when I was about thirty and it seemed we both had been watching the same late night television shows. I'm happy I managed to get to the truth of my origins. It was cosmically interesting. I learned my birth father had been an actor in Orson Welles' production of The Cradle Will Rock, my mother was 20, he was 30 when I was conceived. He had won a drama scholarship to the University of Denver where he became a fraternity brother to Will Geer and Fess Parker. His role in cradle will rock was followed by a career as a weather man in the Army during WWII. My adoptive parents were very upright New Yorkers. My father was the editor in chief of the Columbia Law Review. My mother was on the faculty at the Dalton School and my classmates have all grown up to be Academy Award winning directors, composers, doctors, lawyers and clones of their parents. My adoptive mother had a late blossoming career serving on the Board of Directors of the Federal Reserve Bank. For searching out my biological parents my mother divided a 240,000 dollar annuity in two parts between my two sisters, the older one being another adopted child, the younger one being an accident that wasn't to occur. My adoptive father served for 40 years as the pro bono lawyer for Artists' Equity, the organization that wouldn't let Orson Welles perform Cradle Will Rock. The cast performed it anyway. In deference to my adoptive parent, he admitted to me that his best friend at Harvard Hudson Walker had asked him to take that job because my father could change the image of that organization to be more favorable to the likes of Diego Rivera and his talented wife, and to people like my biological father. Both my adoptive father and my biological father were friends of Adolph Gottlieb the abstract expressionist painter. I'm writing a book but won't self promote it. Seeing it from the end of the maternal mother is another matter. Mine was the accountant for Abba when we met. She quit because she hated seeing seeing publisher ripping off that popular group. All my parents are dead now My adoptive mother and I got along poorly. She used to chide me for taking apart clocks. "You just take things apart and then you can't put them together again." I like working on old cars. My biological father told me that his father was a mechanical engineer for Singer Sewing Machines in Brockton Mass. Yes, adoption does suck; especially when your adoptive mother hates you starting at the age of seven, making you into an experiment in Social Darwinism, and then disinherits you after lying for years about "not having money." Money has everything to do with who gets to adopt, and frankly it is no criterion for whether a child will be loved. They choose you; you don't choose them. I was lucky I ended up being loved by my adoptive father who encouraged me to do the search and shared what info he had. My biological mother was kind to contact the agency who arranged the meeting. Thanks for this blog...

Anonymous said...

Adoption is a blessing to the Baby who is not wanted by the birthmother. Instead of blaming the rest of the world think about your own actions, what lead you and your baby to all of this. if and only if young kids would think what can be the consequence of their actions.if you cannot take care of a baby don't have one! Abortion was illegal then it is legal now, so it is ok to get pregnant now? I have 2 kids and so I can imagine the pain of a mom who has to give up a child or the child's pain growing up, but how can the parents who are adopting the baby be blamed for anything,, especially if they are loving and caring? Young adults need to look at life more seriously, it cannot help a kid to know I was born because my mom wanted to have fun with this good-looking guy, with blonde hair. Adopted kids have questions about their birth mothers actions and decisions not their adopted parents intentions.

Anonymous said...

Hi Denise,
I read your article with my heart in my mouth.
I am an adoptee, and what you say is correct. I am just so sorry that you never knoew your son, but most importantly, he never knew you. I hope you can find the inner peace you so deserve.

Gabriella

Don said...

If you are going to adopt, you may as well celebrate. I guess what you really mean is "don't adopt!", rather than "if you adopt, don't celebrate". Its not really what you say, but I think it is what you mean.

Because if you are adopting a child, it only makes sense to announce to your family and friends that your family has a new member. And to ask those family and friends to welcome this new addition. I don't think it is beneficial to the child to have adoptive parents who slink around with their tail between their legs in shame for having done such a terrible thing... yeah... that would really be doing the best for the child... *not*!

Heidi Russo said...

This all around just makes me sad. I'd love to be a part of changing the perspective on adoption from a place of angst, shame, and disgrace, to love, honor and blessing. Weigh in on issues at loveofabirthmom.com

Anonymous said...

Thanks for posting a view that is so often overlooked. For me, for my adopted sibling, and for the other adopted people I knew growing up, being adopted really sucked. There was a horrifying aspect of "Aren't you blessed to have been taken in by parents with the means to provide you a better life?" Adoption was treated like winning the lottery. Of course, natural children are never encouraged to view their place within their family as some sort of unearned or undeserved privilege.

And yes, the people I knew growing up who were adopted faced disproportionately dysfunctional lives. As an adult today, I am the exception among this group, having managed to finally settle into a happy marriage with children, an idyllic life in suburbia, strong ties to my community, and real joy in my life. Of course, it took having my relationship with my adoptive parents severed before I was able to achieve this, and no, it wasn't me who did the severing, but them. It was an extraordinarily painful event, and I will always grieve the illusion I had of being loved by parents, but in the end, I am better for it. And all through, I know God lovingly guided me.

Anonymous said...

I did not read this in its entirety, nor all the comments, but I am an adoptee who deeply resents the fact that these women who give away their own flesh and blood in reality cannot be called "mothers" at all!
Everyone knows that adoption is 2nd best. If the adopting couple could have their own children, they would have, and on and on and on. I could type a doctoral dissertation on adoption. If these women had not been immoral (Yes, folks: Immoral:, then they would not have found themselves in such an unenviable position to begin with. Take some personal responsibility for your actions.
I refuse to meet my birthmother.
She's not a saint and she is not a martyr. These women are plagues on society.

Anonymous said...

Adoption does suck. I was adopted as a baby and have massive wounds from it that I don't think will ever heal. It has ruined my life, I hate my adoptive parents and I want to kill myself every miserable day, don't celebrate adoption, it's unnatural and wrong.

Scott LaVergne said...

I am a father who lost his child to adoption, specifically infant adoption. Worse yet, it was a prearranged adoption before birth. This lead the mother to view me differently (I believe) in fact it lead her sister to think differently. I was left out of the decision, except as a respondee to pay for the act of my involvement.
I will always have to live with the utter horror of seeing a beautiful young bereaved mother torn apart by her sister. I will have to live with the image of my own confusion,anger and disbelief. In the minute that followed, wanting assurance, proof I was who they claimed, to realizing it was not what mattered, I thought of how much it meant to me growing up how many people commented I looked like my dad, my dad loved me I him and that connection was unmistakable by all others. I had raged because they wanted money to travel away from me, not to include me. We were mixed up, not having thought this thru together. I loved her & my protection of her of my child was taken away by a strangers desire to separate a child from a mother and have a third party encourage the process. Tragically we could not find each other until four years later. Now almost thirty years later we find that we both wanted each other, looked for each other, wanting to nurture our child together.
We both raised children our daughter's siblings. We have been altered as humane beings of our potential, we are but shadows of our happy selves, no matter how one shields this from your other babies it tragically alters all you.
Encouragement is key for all mothers. Adoption planning circumvents this and is the real tragedy. Like inflation or deflation the spiral is inherent in our emotional makeup and we become vulnerable to influences. Please understand mothers that lost their children, while they may have technically given their children, to a supposed "more secure future" they were not giving their children away as their desired choice. We want our babies, we were babies too. I am so saddened that I did not get to have the love of my daughter's mother or my child. I would have loved to kissed her swollen belly, cooing my child with my voice and continuing my relationship with mother with as much joy as the act that created our daughter.

Anonymous said...

I don't care what the circumstances are around adoption, especially mine. Being adopted is my curse.
I personally would rather be dragged down to hell by Satan than spend another day with my family.
Adoption is evil.

Anonymous said...

i agree with all you said, adoption is not a good thing, it's better help birth family......

Jeannie said...

Wow. Learn to spell.

Adoption stinks for adoptive parents too, believe me. Nobody seems to talk about older child adoption and the adoptive parents that become victims of a system that is not transparent and honest, and a child that is vile and nasty. We have friends with a child adopted at an older age from foster care. He just recently tried to strangle her and then beat the father with a rod as he tried to protect his wife. The child is 13 and has never given up on being the drugged up, welfare family, trailer trash that he was taken from. Our son is the same way, though thankfully has not tried physical violence -yet. You've been adopted as a baby. Big deal. You gave up your child for adoption. big deal. Take my son for a week and then tell me what you think of what is really the adoption scam in this country.

Black sheep said...

There is nothing wrong with the spelling of the post you are criticizing. Maybe the grammar but we are not here to judge others

Black sheep said...

There is nothing wrong with the spelling of the post you are criticizing. Maybe the grammar but we are not here to judge others