Did you ever hear someone say, "Isn't it wonderful, so-in-so just adopted a baby," or did you ever get one of the cards in the mail announcing a new edition to someone's family showing a newly adopted infant? I've had both happen to me and truthfully, it makes me cringe.
I want to know, when someone says it's wonderful that so-in-so has adopted a baby, wonderful for whom? Wonderful for the adopters maybe but that's about all who are benefitting from the adoption of a new born infant. Adoption is NEVER a reason for celebration. If you don't agree, lets break it down.
(Side note: this examination of the separation of mother and child does not include cases where the child is orphaned however, orphaned infants in the United States are rare. In most cases, if the mother is deceased, the child still has the mothers extended family as next of kin, but, the effect is the same; however, an orphaned child needs a home, opposed to a child whose mother is still alive and/or to a child who has an extended biological family. Also, this particular blog is examining the effects of adoption on the child; the effects it has on the mother will be discussed in future blog entries.)
When a new born infant is adopted, it means that it has been separated from its mother. Any time an infant loses its mother it's a sad state of affairs. The gestation period for a human is nine months; from the moment of conception to the time of birth, and normally after birth, the mother and child are forming a bond. By the time a child is born it knows the sound of its mother's voice, her smell, even the exact pattern of her heart beat. Tests prove that an infant as young as a day old can recognize its mother when she enters a room. (This is proven by the baby's heart rate; if it cries and its mother comes the heart rate returns to normal, if the mother does not come the baby's heart rate increases as the baby becomes more upset because its mother is not answering his/her call.)
So when a child leaves the safe cocoon of its mother's womb it needs the comfort of someone familiar, i.e., its mother. The only person this child really knows is its mother. Therefore, the child suffers an emotional wound when its mother never comes to dry its tears. It suffers because it has already bonded with its mother and not even the most loving, well meaning, attentive adoptive mothers can give this child what it needs emotionally. In time the child will adjust but a baby who suffers from the initial loss of its mother will carry that emotional scar for the rest of its life.
Do you still think it's a happy day when a couple adopts a new born infant? How can a child suffering from the loss of its mother be something to celebrate? If one is celebrating, they are celebrating for the adoptive parents, which I find selfish and appalling. The child's needs should always come first!
Further research shows that most adoptee's suffer from a long list of adjustment problems along with lack of trust, not feeling like they belong, they have trouble in relationships....the list goes on and on. Yes, you can argue that many people who are not adopted suffer from the same self-esteem issues, however, adoptee's are greatly over represented in psychotherapy. According to 1985 statistics used by Parenting Resources of Santa Ana, California, although adoptee's at that time comprised 2-3% of the population of this country, they represented 30-40% of the individuals found in residential treatment centers, juvenile hall and special schools. They show a higher incidence of juvenile delinquency, sexual promiscuity, running away from home, difficulty in school both academically and socially than their non-adopted peers. Again I pose the question...is this something to celebrate?
What's that you say...what about children born to alcoholic mothers or mothers who are habitual drugs users, or those who are abusing these babies? Isn't it better if they are removed from the care of that mother and placed in a loving home? Yes, in the long run it is better to remove an infant, or any child, from an abusive mother but still...is that a reason to celebrate? Are you celebrating the fact that this poor child has been born to a woman who is unfit to care for it? The bottom line is it doesn't matter to the child if the mother is unfit, the child STILL SUFFERS the loss of its mother. An infant can't use logic and reason to pacify itself. All it knows is "my mother is gone." Therefore even in cases where it's best to separate mother and child there's no reason to celebrate because an infant has lost its mother and it will suffer the consequences.
You ask what about these poor abandoned children in China? I say these children are abandoned only because the Chinese government has made it illegal for any family living in a city, or within a certain boundary of a city, to have more than one child. So when someone adopts a child from China, we are enabling the government to keep such an inhuman law in force. In addition, Chinese society has the ingrained notion that boys are more valuable then girls. So if a young couple wants to have a child, many times they will abandon their baby girl in hopes of having a boy the next time. I have a very strong feeling that this is something the male, and/or father, pushes the woman to do. I know for a fact that giving a child away is the hardest thing for a woman to do and if not for the pressure of her husband or family she would, in most cases, not give up her daughter. If we did not adopt these children the government would have to change its law and that's what almost happened until someone within their government got the bright idea to open its doors to Americans' who want to adopt. However, these children still suffer from the loss of their mother. And do you think just because the mothers are forced by law, and/or pressured by husbands or family, to give their female children away that she forgets them? No way. And although the vast majority of children being adopted from China are females, a couple must, by law, give up their second child even if it's a male.
So my point, in cases of Chinese adoptions, is that we are enabling their government to keep doing this to their citizens. The child still suffers and the mother (and I suppose the fathers as well) suffers the life long effects of losing a child. I don't know how anyone can justify this barbaric practice. Most expert opinions predicted the Chinese government would have been forced repealed the law of only one child per family if not for the huge numbers of Americans' that help the out Chinese government every year by eliminating the growing number of children that they once were responsible for. Because they have admitted to not knowing how they would have cared for these children before we started to help them out. So, again, in my opinion, no reason for celebration.
However there are children in war torn countries who are truly orphaned, these children need loving homes, but again, the fact they lost their mothers, their entire families is not a reason to celebrate. I find it very sad whenever I look into the eyes of a child, so young, that has lost so much. Furthermore, what about the thousand's of children in this country who are being kicked around in foster care? Why not adopt these children? Too often I hear couple's who want to adopt say they want to give a home to an unwanted child....the children in foster care, for the most part, are truly unwanted children. Nine times out of ten a new born infant is wanted. The mother may feel she does not have the means and/or the support to raise her child, therefore, she chooses adoption, which doesn't mean the child is unwanted, for she would certainly keep her child if she thought she could.
And how is it really good for a child to be the second choice in a couples life? How many couples, who can have their own children decide to adopt? Yes, I'm sure there are some but out of all the couples looking to adopt a baby how many of them chose adoption as their first choice? How many have forsaken having one of their own to adopt? In most cases a couple decides to adopt a baby when they have exhausted themselves trying to have one of their own.
So if any of the adoption celebrators out there can give me a reason, other than fulfilling the needs of an infertile couple, beside the joy felt by the couple adopting, to celebrate adoption, I'd like to hear it. I'd like to hear how a baby benefits from losing its mother. I'd like to know how one could feel it's a happy occasion when a baby loses its biological roots...tell me, what are you all celebrating? Shouldn't we be putting the needs of the baby first?
I don't get it...I really don't understand what most people are thinking.......
Until next time......
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20 comments:
I am not disagreeing with you in regards to the loss of a child with his or her birth mother is not a reason to celebrate but in regards to your comments regarding China's one child policy there are a lot of discrepanicies in your post. I realize this is your own personal blog but I think it is always best to have the correct information in regards to a situation before posting it where most will believe it to be true. For example a couple is not legally forced to abandon a second born child, even if it is a boy. They do have to pay a fine but they do not have to abandon. Also, there are many cirucmstances in China that do allow for families to have more than one child with no penalties at all. Also, while you and I may find it impossible to believe that a mother could "give up" her child without coerision or being forced that is not necessarily the case in China. The value of a girl in China is centuries old and has only recently (at least in comparision to the vast history of China) begun to change. There are still people in China, women included, that do not see the value in the birth of a daughter. I know it is hard to believe but I have been to China and had those conversations. I still have a hard time believing it because my heart tells me it can't be true but China is China and not America.
A reason to celebrate adoption? YES, OF COURSE! Here's why. Baby receives love and attention/nurturing from their adoptive parents which sounds good to me. Also, why do you keep referring to the baby as "it"? Yes the baby will have feelings of abandonment and other issues that are not their fault, they were a baby and had no say in the matter. Also, if you are going to write about the China issue, you ought to do some due diligence and perhaps do some research on the matter. I found my brother who was given up for adoption as a newborn baby, this was kept hidden until I was an adult. I found brother and am now close with his adoptive family. I felt heartwarmed seeing the pictures of his Mom's baby showers celebrating his arrival into their family! What were they supposed to do, have an Adoption Sucks party? I DON'T THINK SO.
I disagree with the second comment. Yes, adoption is a good thing but they way our culture denies an adopted childs mother in this country is deplorable. Read some adoption books, talk to some adult adoptees about how our culture shames adopted children by raising them to believe that they should be grateful! And, as an adoptee, I am grateful for my adoptive parents. However grateful or not, our culture does not allow adoptees to grieve the loss of the blood family. Unless you are adopted yourself, you have no idea about the struggle to heal from abandonment and loss. Adoption is unnatural, but a mixed emotional reality for some. I am grateful I was adopted by good parents and not raised in a foster home, but that does not require me to be grateful about the traumatic separation at birth that I suffered from my birthmom.
I can feel your pain and I am sorry! I agree it is traumatic for any child to loose it's mother! I do however, believe that it's a celebration when a child finds their new parents that will love them unconditionally and step in when their BM couldn't! I have always wanted to adopt, since I was a child! I didn't care if I couldn't have my own! I did have 3bio children however, for my 4th child I decided to adopt a child where the mother couldn't afford to care for her! Her "little" sister died of starvation just this year. It's sad but reality. I agree it's not a celebration of the separation but I am TOTALLY Unconditionally in love with my 4th child just as my first three! She will know that she was CHOSEN and I am already starting to contact her BM for the loss that I KNOW she will feel. I've heard she wants contact with me because she did love her daughter! I think it is EXTREMELY important that ALL children have a home and are LOVED, regardless of how they get there! If you think adoption shouldn't be celebrated, then what do you think should be done with all of the children in foster care?
As far as China, (after MUCH research) I found that boys are 'preferred' because there is no retirement system over there and it is expected that the boys will care for the parents in their older years! The Chinese celebrate when Americans pick up their child and usually the BM, when abandoning them is usually waiting in eyes view so that they're SURE someone takes the baby to care for! They love their children over there. Aside from China, there are 9 boys to every 1 girl in foster care or up for adoption! Again, ask any agency and they will tell you that GIRLS are the preference for adoption! I don't know why, just the way it is. So, if you're anti adoption, then what do you think what is your solution for these children?
I hope you find healing in your journey! I know you have a lot of pain! If your parents are anything like me, know that they love you dearly and wouldn't trade you for ANYONE else in the world!!! :) That is what is celebrated!
I think people celebrate adoption because they don't know how else to acknowledge it. Most people either don't think about or try to ignore the harsh, painful circumstances that lead up to bringing home someone else's child. Adoptive parents are almost always well-meaning people who want their adopted child to feel loved and wanted, because they know at least a little of how that child will feel when they find out their first parents gave them away. They celebrate adoption because they want to be able to say to their child someday, "Look, see? You have always been loved, you have always been wanted." We are a culture of people who avoid discussion of unpleasantries, and in this instance, that might be a good thing. Would you prefer an adoption announcement that detailed the trauma and tears of the first mother? Perhaps the death of the child's biological family? All the dirty secrets and frightening information leading up to the child going to a new family? No, it isn't healthy to "shelter" an adopted child forever. No one is saved from the pain of their past by simply being kept away from the truth. But what good does it do to mourn the adoption of a child when they are so young? Why not celebrate their new family while they are infant and young children, let them enjoy the blissful oblivion of a child for as long as possible? They'll soon enough be thrown into the swirling, dark, confusion of life as an adult adoptee.
My mother is an adoptee and my husband and I, who are not (as far as we know) infertile, are planning to adopt a special needs child (a label given to pretty much every child in state custody based on their history of loss/trauma) or sibling group in the near future.
My mother's experience as an adoptee was, overall, a postive one. She did grow up with a lot of unanswered questions about her birth mother and heritage, and, especially in her younger years, struggled with self-esteem and confidence issues (she also moved A LOT, 10 times between k-12, and her adoptive father had a penchant for being mean at times, which certainly also contributed to her self image).
Until I was born (I am the oldest of her three children) she longed terribly for a blood relative in this world despite a wonderful and loving relationship with her adoptive parents and a happy and loving marriage to my dad.
Her adoptive parents were never supportive of her effort to find her birth mother, so she did not re-unite with her birth mom until over 10 years after her adoptive mother's death.
Meeting her birth mother and slew of dysfunctional half siblings did a lot for her in the way of closure with a past she never knew. Her birth mother gave up two of her nine children (her second and third-my mom was number three), and of the seven children she raised herself (as a single mom) one died of SIDS, one committed suicide, one died in an auto accident as a teen, and of the four remaining children three have struggled with serious drug and alcohol problems. While all four of her living children confess to love their mom dearly despite their hard childhoods, my mom found that she was more thankful than she ever knew to have been adopted by a stable, loving family.
While all the stuff you said about infants recognizing their biological mother is true, I think the idea of a traumatic separation from one's birth mother is false. Who can remember the early weeks, months or even years of one's life? Of course we are affected by our formative years, but babies can be inadvertently switched at birth and never know the difference. Kids don't generally even get stranger anxiety until they are 7-9 months of age. Infants can bond and attach to just about any caregiver who provides nurture, food, shelter and comfort.
I think for most adoptees it is not the separation from their biological mother that affects them, but the stigma of being an outsider and of not belonging that is unfortunately prevalent in our society.
For example, I think in my mom's case, had she known more about the family she came from, she would have not had to struggle so hard with the questions it seems all adoptees ask themselves: why am I not good enough? didn't my mom love me? how could she not want me? what is my birth mother like? what kinds of traits did I inherit from my biological parents? etc. She would have had closure sooner.
My paternal grandmother, for example, was separated from her birth mother by the death of her mother during child birth. She was orphaned. Raised by her father for 19 months, he remarried and she was from then on raised by her "step" mother, who is the only mother she ever knew. And she never felt the sadness or abandonment my mom experienced because she wasn't "given up." But she was not scarred by the loss of her mother because she is too young to remember the physical separation after birth from her birth mom.
I think what hurts adoptees is the perception of not being wanted by the one person who should love them most fiercely. Unless the adoptee can understand the circumstances surrounding the adoption, and until the adoptee can come to terms with these circumstances, there will be pain and obstacles to overcome.
I cannot fathom how someone can think that there is not cause to celebrate a young life with a new chance and the creation of a new family, or a happy addition to a family.
Of course it is a sad state of affairs when an infant loses its mom but it is not sad in any way that an infant can comprehend.
To focus on the trauma of being separated from one's birth mom is cynical. It is a case of the glass half full.
Sure, it is a shame that girls get pregnant by accident. It's a shame that there are so many abortions. It is a shame that parents and families have crises that require children to be removed from the home. It is a shame that some children are not as adoptable as children because of their age or their race or their baggage. It is a shame that society doesn't hold adoption as highly as it holds biological families.
Truth is, we live in sad world. The world isn't fair, you could say.
And I'm with you all the way when you say that couples who just want to a adopt little newborns that look like them are not doing anything altruistic.
But then, shouldn't you also call out all the couples who choose to have their own kids, and are successful, for being selfish and not adopting kids who need a home? Or couples that expend huge amounts of resources on fertility medicine just so they can have a child of their own? Cause, call me a radical, but that's exactly how I feel.
As for my husband and I, I understand that our desire is not the norm, but we simply cannot justify creating another life when there are so many kids out there waiting for homes.
The earth's population is supposed to rise another billion by 2020. Do we really need to create more life? The desire to have kids and raise them may be strong, but the need to pass on our genes seems superfluous in this modern age. I'd like to think we have moved beyond the Darwinian struggle.
With that said, we understand that American culture is not as open to adoption as people might think, and it is not accepting as it should be.
People do assume that since we plan to adopt there is "something wrong" with us infertility-wise, which they tend to pity. But once we explain that it is simply our wish to adopt, they seem to really think there really is something wrong with us because, who, being able to have their own children, would choose to adopt? This is an attitude I would like to see changed.
That leads to the second thing I would like to see change in America, which is the second rate family stereo type we are sure to face. One that asks such questions of adoptive parents as, "do you have any real kids?" or who assume the child was flawed to have been for adoption in the first place.
For the birth mother, there is a stigma of abandonment and failure that isn't fair.
For the child there is the cultural expectation that adoptees appreciate their adopted families and be grateful, far beyond that which is expected of biological kids.
It is not a perfect system. But I think whenever a child finds a loving home that is something to be celebrated. For the parents who do want a baby, for the baby who is given a stable and loving home, adoption is a good thing.
We can lament the injustice of teenage moms, mother's with addictions, abusive homes and Chinese orphanages. But, at least adoption offers a positive solution to these tragedies.
My husband and I are probably not going to be adopting an infant, as most infants are highly adoptable. We want to help a child or children have a chance at some semblance of a normal life with unconditional love, stability, structure, support and all the things that come with being a family. How normal will our lives be? We'll have to find out. But, as most biological parents learn, you never can tell what you are getting yourself into until you are there. All children are unique and each child has his or her own characteristics, talents and weaknesses which will inevitably lead to parental challenges.
And, despite the challenges of raising kids, despite the fact that the children we adopt will probably have a lot of emotional baggage to deal with, and despite the fact that we might not have a Norman Rockwell All American family, I can only hope that we can love and support and cherish and nurture some kids that will be our own, through adoption, and that in doing so we make some kind of positive difference in our lives, in their lives and in the world. Isn't that what every parent wants?
Every child deserve a chance to feel loved and considered. Many many people today are having sex out of marriage and conceiving. It is a shame that teenagers are having sex before marriage and children are suffering. Do I fully understand the impact being torn away from a mother can have on a life? YES! My mother abandoned me when I was 2. Am I so thankful to the woman that raised me?YES! Babies need their mothers, but children need emotional, physical and spiritual support. So many mothers out there are not able or not willing to provide a nurturing environment for their children. It is a reason to celebrate! Changing the life of one child at a time is an amazing thing. This generation is suffering. A child needs their mother but not one who neglects the child. I fully support adoption. We need more willing people to step up and rescue a child. Why is pet adoption so accepted? Seems like this nation would rather support saving the life of a cat or dog than a precious child.
To all of the adoption mothers/fathers out there, hats off to you for opening your home to a child who is going to be changed because of your selflessness.
Every child deserve a chance to feel loved and considered. Many many people today are having sex out of marriage and conceiving. It is a shame that teenagers are having sex before marriage and children are suffering. Do I fully understand the impact being torn away from a mother can have on a life? YES! My mother abandoned me when I was 2. Am I so thankful to the woman that raised me?YES! Babies need their mothers, but children need emotional, physical and spiritual support. So many mothers out there are not able or not willing to provide a nurturing environment for their children. It is a reason to celebrate! Changing the life of one child at a time is an amazing thing. This generation is suffering. A child needs their mother but not one who neglects the child. I fully support adoption. We need more willing people to step up and rescue a child. Why is pet adoption so accepted? Seems like this nation would rather support saving the life of a cat or dog than a precious child.
To all of the adoption mothers/fathers out there, hats off to you for opening your home to a child who is going to be changed because of your selflessness.
Celebration?....YES! My sons bmom felt she could not parent a child with down syndrome, so she chose adoption for her son. A chance for the child to have a family that could Love and nurture him and a chance for a couple who could not concieve a child to become Parents. There is and will always be celebration when a child is born and enters a family, whether that child was birth or adopted into a family.
When my son was 3weeks old, my mom was holding my son, while I went to eat lunch. WHen I walked into the room I asked my mom a question, as I spoke, my 3 week old son turned his head towards me and cried. When I picked him up he stopped crying. He recognized his mommies voice...and this from a child with down syndrome, children with down syndrome have low muscle tone, especially in the neck area when they are infants. Although, my son did not grow in my wound, he recognized my voice.
I'm sorry your adoption experience is not a postive one and I know this is your personal blog, but it is public and readers whom are not familiar with the world of adoption should hear this Adoption is not a one size fits all experience. There are many Facets in the World of adoption.We Celebrate life and the family that was created through the process of adoption :)
Much Love,
Love to Love
Shame on you for being so damn selfish.
Quit being a victim.
Selfish?!?! Who is selfish, Jo? Would that be adoptive parents who LIE to a birthmother and tell her that they will honor her request of pictures and letters througout her childs life; only to be cut off as soon as the ink dries? What do you think that does to a mother, Jo, to know that the people she intrusted her child to LIED to her so she would not change her mind and keep HER child. Shame on YOU for brining your biased opinion to a birthmothers blog and call her selfish. You have alot of nerve.
Don't you just love some of the the "followers of Christ" and the way they treat mothers who have lost children to adoption.
I know I am very late to the discussion - I just came across this post and wish I could have contributed to it when it was still running.
But I just wanted you to know: I am sorry for all the dismissive comments you have received and the ones you will be receiving in the future.
Don't give up.
I realize that this post is very old...but as an adoptee AND a birth mother, I had to make a statement that this post is completely untrue. To the woman that wrote this post. I understand your pain. Placing a child for adoption is hardest thing any woman can do. I get the feeling you were more forced into it...which I DO NOT agree with. I think it should be the mothers choice. I made the choice myself and my birth son has wonderful adoptive parents who DO keep their promises. YES there are adoptive parents that don't, and shame on them. But about the adoptees having problems....i don't have any problems. My 3 brothers, who were also adopted don't have any problems. So, while you can speak on being a birth mom who was maybe forced into adoption, you CAN NOT speak on whats it's like being an adoptee, because you are not one. I honestly suggest that you get counseling. I feel as though you have a lot of hurt and anger, and I am truly sorry for that. But counseling really does help. I myself had a few months of counseling right after placement.
If anyone would like to see a more POSITIVE outlook on adoption, please visit my blog. seanandsierra.blogspot.com. Or visit a great adoptive couples blog, therhouse.blogspot.com
Totally agree with the writer of this blog and would suggest to all of those out there who haven't ever been forced to give away their child to please shut the f*** up! Rambling on about the happiness of adoptive parents - I'm sorry - the issue is the happiness of a NATURAL MOTHER AND HER CHILD! No country should allow this abominable act and those who involve themselves in the adoption of these innocent children torn from their natural mothers are part of the problem - enough of your religious, sanctimonious, false sentiments - this is a crime against humanity and deserves to be recognised as such. My most sincere sympathy to all those mothers who have been forced by disgusting, hypocritical, bigoted, fundamentalist states and countries to be separated from their own flesh and blood.
Sorry for your tragedy. Get over it. You have had a good life and you should thank God and count your blessings. There are many worse horrors in life that have befallen many other people. Your perspective about forced separation is understandable, but the many years with your loving partner, your loving puppies, your loving friends, your loving home and businesses were never had by billions of people that suffered much worse.
To the Anonymous who posted on Feb. 22, 2010...the one who said I should get over it, I had a good life...who are you? How dare you tell me to get over it! And how the hell do you presume to know what my life has been like? Post your name or don't you have the balls?
Of course there is a reason to celebrate, for the child. If adoptive parents choose not to let their childern grieve their lose then that is their fault. As you kept stating the "birth parent" well the birth parent can't or wouldn't take care of the child.
It is better that the child be surrounded by love wouldn't you think?
I have two friends who are adopted one at 10 and anotehr since birth, neither one of them want anything to do with their birth parent and have know plans to search for them. My friend who was adopted at 10, remembers what it was like what her birth family, and she was HAPPY to be adopted.
So it depends on each situation. Don't generalze.
I am a male adoptee. It is well known the adopted child starts with a disadvantage that can never be repaired, they will never do as well as they could of. They need to be treated with kid gloves and when they get abusive parents the damage is far greater than it would be for non-adapted children receiving the same abuse.
I know from experience. I was not adopted for love. I have never been shown any affection or been told I was loved by them (or anyone for that matter). Just as well because by the age of 3 it was evident I would never want or accept such from them anyways.
The old man liked the young boys. It was far safer and more convenient to have them at hand. The old lady had mental issues.
When I was 7 I confronted them about how it was wrong to beat children. This was brought on because they beat my 3 year old sister for failing to remember the exact wording of some prayers they taught her to say before bedtime (they were not religious and did not attend church). This was nothing new. The old man used to hit her at the age of 1 for sucking her thumb.
They were quite smug about being in the right to beat her (us) and in the fact I would be unable to do anything about it. Mommie Dearest decided my punishment for being so bold was no painkiller at the dentist for my entire childhood of many cavities and a root canal (not remotely a $ issue). I accepted this without even a whimper because the smallest complaint would have added an additional punishment at least 10 times worse.
Never give a child up for adoption if you do not have to.
So sorry this happened to you.
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